Study in Perfect Read online

  STUDY

  IN

  PERFECT

  ASSOCIATION

  OF

  WRITERS

  AND

  WRITING

  PROGRAMS

  AWARD

  FOR

  CREATIVE

  NONFICTION

  STUDY IN

  PERFECT

  ESSAYS BY

  Sarah Gorham

  “Woman Drawn Twice” originally appeared in Prairie Schooner.

  Copyright © 2004 by the University of Nebraska Press.

  All rights reserved.

  © 2014 by the University of Georgia Press

  Athens, Georgia 30602

  www.ugapress.org

  All rights reserved

  Designed by Kaelin Chappell Broaddus

  Set in 9.7/14 Bodoni Twelve ITC Book

  by Kaelin Chappell Broaddus

  Manufactured by Thomson Shore

  The paper in this book meets the guidelines for permanence

  and durability of the Committee on Production Guidelines for

  Book Longevity of the Council on Library Resources.

  Printed in the United States of America

  14 15 16 17 18 c 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Gorham, Sarah, 1954–

  Study in perfect : essays / by Sarah Gorham.

  pages cm. –

  (Association of writers and writing programs award for creative nonfiction)

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-0-8203-4712-7 (hardcover : alk. paper) –

  ISBN 0-8203-4712-4 (hardcover : alk. paper)

  I. Title.

  PS3557.07554s88 2014

  814′.54–dc23

  2014002325

  British Library Cataloging-in-Publication Data available

  ISBN for digital edition: 978-0-8203-4789-9

  To Lucille,

  Josephine,

  Anabel Mae,

  and Seamus

  CONTENTS

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Moving Horizontal

  PERFECT WORD

  Darling Amanita

  PERFECT FLOWER

  The Changeling

  On Lying

  PERFECT WATER

  Marking Time in Door County

  PERFECT SOLUTION

  A Drinker’s Guide to The Cat in the Hat

  PERFECT TEA

  Sentimental à la Carte

  PERFECT CONVERSATION

  The Shape of Fear

  PERFECT SLEEP

  On Selfishness

  Be There No Human Here

  PERFECT BARN

  Woman Drawn Twice

  PERFECT HEAVEN

  Neriage, or What Is the Secret of a Long Marriage?

  PERFECT ENDING

  Notes and Sources

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  AGNI:

  “Darling Amanita,” “On Selfishness”

  Alimentum:

  “Sentimental à la Carte”

  Arts and Letters:

  “Neriage, or What Is the Secret of a

  Long Marriage?”

  Creative Nonfiction:

  “Study in Perfect,” published here as

  “Perfect Word,” “Perfect Flower,”

  “Perfect Water,” “Perfect Solution,”

  “Perfect Tea,” “Perfect Conversation,”

  “Perfect Sleep,” “Perfect Barn,”

  “Perfect Heaven,” and

  “Perfect Ending”

  Fourth Genre:

  “Marking Time in Door County”

  Gulf Coast:

  “The Shape of Fear”

  Iowa Review:

  “Moving Horizontal”

  Pleiades:

  “Be There No Human Here,”

  “A Drinker’s Guide to

  The Cat in the Hat”

  Prairie Schooner:

  “Woman Drawn Twice”

  Quarterly West:

  “On Lying”

  Real Simple:

  “The Changeling”

  Endless thanks and love to Jeffrey, my forever man.

  STUDY

  IN

  PERFECT

  INTRODUCTION

  The Ohio is rising. We drive down the road two or three times a day to gape at the river’s ascent over docks and decks, graveled shoulders and steamy blacktop. We marvel at the water’s subversion, snubbing boundaries, finding its way inside things it’s not supposed to touch, like electrical boxes and river-park restrooms. It creeps into our basements and ruins immaculate lawns, a real life, mocha-colored version of the Blob. In its relentless, steady progress and its egalitarian destructiveness, it is perfect.

  What can the city possibly do to stay this roiling mix of snow-melt, runoff, and rain? The sandbag is a laughable defense, like a chrysanthemum planted in a rifle’s barrel (you know the photograph). Forget your well-laid escape plans and army engineer pilings. A flood’s rushing water levitates picnic tables and boats like rubber bath toys. It douses everything in silt, including meticulous shrubs and mulch laid down by Operation Bright-side volunteers. All their work, wiped out. Even the silvery boat barn moans as it tears from its foundation and pulls away.

  So we wait till the river relents, sinks back into its rumpled bed. Après le déluge, the state releases emergency funds for the cleanup. Workers appear in orange vests to remake what was recently a perfectly beautiful place.

  But perfect is a slippery term. For a word that seemingly requires no modification, it certainly has had more than its share of cultural shading. To the ancient Greeks, perfection was a requisite for beauty. The Pythagoreans specified right proportions and a harmonious arrangement of parts in their idea of perfection. To the Japanese, an object of supreme beauty must contain an imperfection. In his essay “Of Beauty,” Sir Francis Bacon famously noted: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” Immanuel Kant felt that beauty was something distinct from perfection, because it was an aesthetic question of taste. Aristotle offered the earliest and perhaps best description in three hues: Perfection is (a) that which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better; (b) that which has attained its purpose, like perfect vision or a watch that keeps perfect time; and (c) that which is complete—containing all the requisite parts. To Empedocles however, perfection depended on incompleteness, the potential for development and for adding new characteristics.

  This book is an exploration of the many-faceted concept of perfection, which by its nature embraces imperfection. The essays alternate between brief considerations, such as “Perfect Solution” and “Perfect Heaven,” and longer pieces, such as “On Lying” and “On Selfishness.” In “Moving Horizontal” a Victorian house loses its charm over time, especially when compared with a modernist contemporary filled with light. The poisonous mushrooms in “Darling Amanita” lead to thoughts about our darker impulses, like obsessive love, even murder. Family life is dense with pleasure, as in the perfect vacation described in “Marking Time in Door County” and in “Neriage, or What Is the Secret of a Long Marriage?” where an ancient Japanese ceramic technique has much in common with shaping a close relationship. But there is pain too: “The Shape of Fear” relates the story of a child stricken with a deadly Staph infection; the essay reflects on the function and form of fear. Alcoholism, a family disease no one wants to talk about, is poised against The Cat in the Hat, a story everyone has read and enjoyed. There is such a thing as a perfect cup of tea, depending on who is preparing and drinking it (“Perfect Tea”). And schmaltzy show tunes flowing from a black-lacquered piano in a Chinese restaurant can be genuinely moving (“Sentimental à la Carte”).
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br />   Thus the collection winds its way around and through the many permutations of this most hermetic and exalted concept. The book proceeds with the full consciousness that perfection’s exact definition is subjective, reliant on who is speaking, and easily unmoored by time, wind, and water.

  Moving Horizontal

  Once, we lived our lives vertically at 1637 Rosewood, a four-over-four Victorian with finished attic. It was, we believed, the perfect house, holding most of a twenty-five-year marriage and all but three years of our two daughters’ lives. Within its walls, we lived through elementary, middle, and high school, and college applications; a twenty-two-inch snowfall, a burst appendix, the euthanasia of a beloved rabbit named Meatloaf, a tornado, bunk beds, My Little Pony, multiple piercings; piano flute voice mandolin drama soccer lessons; one recovery from alcoholism and another from MRSA; Smashing Pumpkins, Modest Mouse, straight As and the first D, new drivers and five minor accidents, Nintendo arguments, a plague of mice, eighteen tall and skinny Christmas trees to fit in our foyer.

  The feeling was one of containment. We were eggs in a three-story egg carton. One child lived in the attic, another in a second-floor bedroom: daughter cubicles. My husband and I slept just next door, our studies right on top of each other. Far below were the living/family/dining rooms, where everyone tossed and tumbled together. The children kept us microscopically focused with their various crises, sorrows, pleasures, and accomplishments. We were living in the “now,” not mystically, but perforce. A life was one day, with various components, compliments, or complaints, and little thought of yesterday or tomorrow.

  Two pencil-scratched growth charts on a closet door documented our daughters’ progress up and out of the house. At five foot seven and five foot three, they were gone, living in tiny houses of their own in a blue-collar area of town with train tracks and a funky grocery store.

  We took a deep breath and looked around.

  All around us in our visual field is a world we understand and simultaneously take for granted. We assume that trees remain as they are … rooted in the ground. Intuitively, we understand that water seeks the low point and then seeks its level. These are subconscious phenomena that we live with every day. Most of the time I don’t even like to think of what I do as “design”—as it conjures in the mind something graphic or sculptural or high-tech. I think of my process as making conceptual connections. In this case, finding things we recognize and bringing them forward, or raising them up into our field of vision.

  —MICHAEL BARRY, ARCHITECT

  What do you do when your house turns against you? When maintenance of the body occupies an hour of each day, with brushes and paste and tweezers and emery boards? There’s the little click inside your shoulder when you do your sit-ups, and the floor responds when you lie back against it. You know the spot, where the joinery rubs and the nail squeaks.

  With the children gone, we expected a sudden influx of oxygen, a second honeymoon, this one lasting a couple of decades. But the press of middle age was upon us. My father-in-law suffered a stroke, triple bypass, lung cancer, and finally died, a thin contrail of the FBI strongman he once was. The girls entered their bumpy twenties with minimum-wage jobs, romances, un-sympathetic landlords—a long way yet from self-sufficiency. Indeed, with larger pressures from both younger and older generations, we felt vacuum packed. The once brand-new renovation at 1637 Rosewood, too, was not just twenty years older; it had landed in that unfashionable place between antique and contemporary, retro and old fashioned, like waist-high underpants or an AMC Gremlin or a middle-aged man who refuses to give up smoking dope.

  A house is a body. Just look at the argot: dental molding, eyebrow window, face board, face brick, footer, footing, head, knee walls, nosing, shakes, sleeper, toenail. Thus, a leak in the roof is unsettling because it’s like torn skin, a scorched chimney like a dirty neck. Sometimes you can waylay disgust by choosing what to see and what not to see. Don’t look in the mirror. Throw away that bathroom scale. Or develop immunity, called “growing used to.”

  One day I let my guard down. It was midwinter. Without the healthy distraction of sunlight, I was more than a little depressed. I opened our back gate, which sat on an alley lined with trash bins and recycling containers. Next to our silver maple a half-full beer bottle, left by a homeless man who made a recessed area behind our fence his bedroom. Then, to my dismay—a spray of aqua-colored safety glass, sour cream containers, and a dozen soggy French fries, like the debris of last night’s raucous party. I began to sweep in a cloud of gray dust and glass shards, pushing the mess farther into the alley, where it became the city’s responsibility. My sneakers were coated with grit, as I knew my lungs were. For eighteen years, we had passed this kind of scene without seeing it.

  The second thought was simply—how best to do this? The lot, as it was, being very narrow and deep, provided the answer. So long as one follows one’s own line of consciousness (analytical and intuitive) about sense of place, I believe one will always find the answer.

  —MICHAEL BARRY

  To cheer ourselves up, we bought a shiny red Vespa, and when that was stolen, replaced it with a silver one. We buzzed down to the coffee shop, took long loops through Olmsted’s Cherokee Park, unembarrassed though we knew we resembled Mama and Papa bears on a tricycle. We rode farther out of town to a scenic byway known as River Road. The air pummeled our faces; we sailed through walls of scent—sweet, damp, pine, or possum decaying. To the left, the swollen river and a barge pushing by. To the right, a lone real estate sign marked “Exquisite!” in bright yellow. A long gravel driveway extended back from the road between crumbling posts. We said why not, let’s look, we can’t, oh come on, useless, no one’s around, couldn’t hurt, why not, OK.

  For over two centuries, Kentucky has offered up more than its share of vices, featuring a wicked blend of liquor, tobacco, and horse betting. The state produces almost all the world’s bourbon and 37 percent of U.S. horse sales. Just minutes outside Louisville, the landscape dips and gently rises and horse fences painted rich brown follow suit; the animals graze in fields or bunch together under a tree, tails swatting flies. Alongside bluegrass, acres of burley tobacco flutter and the barns where the crop is air-cured rise in regular intervals. These are beautiful structures, with silvery tin roofs and charcoal-blue siding. Often the fencing is whitewashed, and in sunlight or gloom the palette is always startling and elegant. Tobacco barns inspired architect Michael Barry, who took on the task of renovating and expanding a dowdy seventies house off River Road. Its siding is now the same blue-black, the roof metallic bright, and the doors are framed in a warm, orange-tinged oak the color of dried tobacco.

  We slid off the scooter, treading carefully, as if trespassing in more ways than one: the property belonged to someone else; it was likely way beyond our means, though a number of modest homes lined River Road; and finally, we had no business considering a move with one child still in college. From the front, the place was modest, a cross between a Cape Cod and a windowed barn, with garage and second-floor guest room connecting at a forty-five-degree angle. We stole around to the backyard, a large expanse of grass dropping to a creek and woods beyond. Turning around, we faced the house the way it was meant to be seen, panoramically: angled roofline to the left, a vast stretch of windows and two sets of double glass doors across the middle, punctuated by a pagodalike porch with white crossbeams and five, count them, five huge decks extending into the grass like a great stair. “Oh, my God,” we said. We peered through the windows into the great room, where blond hardwood extended more than forty feet west, disappearing right and left into channels formed by half-walls and frosted glass. We could see a sleek cement and steel fireplace, its mantle raw cherry, the firebox set slightly off center, and could it be, there was an outdoor shower too! To call the plan “open” was an understatement; but somehow, the house was both spacious and deeply human in scale. We backed off with an “oh well,” confident the price would be over a million. Heading out o
f the driveway, we grabbed the info sheet, which announced in bold, “You’ll feel like you’re on vacation!” Underneath, an asking price of less than a third of our expectation. “We could do this,” we whispered simultaneously, then called our realtor, the listing agent, and both of our daughters, who all drove out to meet us. Four hours later, our bid was accepted.

  As one stands in the grain of the site, facing its depth of field, one also stands in the grain of the dwelling. As few doors as possible, consciously eroded parallel walls, a kind of “sheared space,” with beams extending from inside to outside—all reinforce this “in-the-grain” attitude.

  —MICHAEL BARRY

  Our old house had many doors—twenty-five to be exact. Pocket, closet, French, doors marked “DO NOT ENTER” covered with hex signs and skateboard logos. Behind them, the girls entered puberty, tried their first cigarettes and beer, my husband and I had covert sex and hasty arguments. We all had our secrets and, in theory, we were safe. The house was rocked by all kinds of weather, but the weather that affected us most was interior.

  The new house has only two inside doors, both leading to lavatories. The first-floor master bedroom flows around a partition into the great room. The great room veers into the master bath, sink, and shower. The kitchen pours into the great room. Large open “windows” front the guest bedroom, though there is no glass, only space, and a discrete stairway rises from the foyer.

  We could bowl in this place, or contra dance with a dozen couples. We could throw a wedding, or hold an auction, or hire a Big Band orchestra. We could run laps, ice skate, shot-put; the possibilities were endless. We stretched out on the taut, bare floor and let the dogs flop and sniff.